TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?
Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?
TSA: why do u always do this?
u may be thirsty but you will never be as thirsty as perez hilton
dick longer than a middle schoolers instagram bio
this is real
Simon Nessman sleeping backstage
fuck yeah to the kids who feel like they’re dying inside but still gather up the strength to roll out of bed, get dressed, and leave the house. you are strong and beautiful and worth so much more than you know.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING
Can everyone just be like Dylan?
In the mid 1950’s Ella Fitzgerald became the first black performer at Mocambo.
"I owe Marilyn Monroe a real debt … she personally called the owner of the Mocambo, and told him she wanted me booked immediately, and if he would do it, she would take a front table every night. She told him – and it was true, due to Marilyn’s superstar status – that the press would go wild. The owner said yes, and Marilyn was there, front table, every night. The press went overboard. After that, I never had to play a small jazz club again. She was an unusual woman – a little ahead of her times. And she didn’t know it.” - Ella Fitzgerald
- Me: tells joke from tumblr as if it was my own
- Person: laughs
- Me: I am the worst human being alive
- Me: I stole that
- Me: I don't deserve to be in existence
- Me: I mean Hitler was bad but he told his own jokes
- Me: I should never speak again